stsai-critique-for-jtiu

Hi Janelle!

I really like your website topic.  It's really interesting and the different views that you present chocolate through are intriguing as well.  One thing I noticed throughout the site, though, is that you don't seem to be using the "inverted pyramid" writing style we learned about in class--or at least, it's not extremely clear to me.  When I read the beginnings of each section, I only had a vague idea of what you wanted the reader to get out of the article.  I think if you put the specific conclusion(s) first of each section at the top, it would help improve your site and also help your reader.  Remember, the reader’s time is valuable, so if you make clear what each section is about, they can get a better idea of whether the article is something they’d like to read or not. 

One good example of this is your home page.  I like how you try to immerse the reader and hook them, but I think it would be better if you put your last paragraph about the website being a ticket for chocolate journeys first, and then try to get the reader more involved.  Also, within that paragraph, it’d be nice if you add in how your website will talk about chocolate as it relates to technology, health, etc.

Another way I think you could improve your writing specifically is by making yourself more assertive.  You have a lot of “could ____,” which sounds pretty weak.  I think using something like “can ___” makes it a little better, and then it’d be even better if you could say things like “will ___.”  If you believe what you’re writing is true, then go for it.  Remember—website writing is different from normal essay-writing. :)

            I know your website isn’t quite prepared yet in terms of graphics and such, but according to your business plan, you want to add more media and stuff, right?  I think that’s a great idea, especially for a topic like chocolate, so definitely make sure to incorporate that. 

            Hope this helped, and good luck!

-Sophia